You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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