Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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