I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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