why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
