Pants 0. Shit 1.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
