Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
