goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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