STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
