Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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