So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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