So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
