Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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