I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
