I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
