Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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