That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My life is pants optional.
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