We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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