the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize