im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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