Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
