so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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