Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
