Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Sorry about my life...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
