pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
