Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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