Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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