my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
