I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
