Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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