im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize