I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
