4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
