When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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