I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
