Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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