Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
