Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
