I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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