I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
