She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
