Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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