And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
