i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
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