How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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