Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
