If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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