Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
