I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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