good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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