Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Dignity is for republicans.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
