im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm eating all of the evidence.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
