I hate your face
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
