I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
