ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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