my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
