I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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