Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
